William Hite

William Hite

Maybe your favorite college football team lost this past weekend. Maybe it rained on your camping trip. Maybe your trusty old truck finally gave up the ghost. Here’s the thing: people hate bad news. As much as they crane their necks over to gawk at a motor vehicle crash, they seldom want to listen to other people’s problems. Misery may love company, but it finds it difficult nonetheless to attract it.

So, in the spirit of good news (in fact, stellar news), let me tell you about my best weekend ever. But there’s a hitch: I’m not actually me (my life’s actually quite staid), but the COVID-19 Delta variant. That’s right, if I’m COVID, I partied all weekend like it was 1999. Champagne, hot tubs, dancing girls, disco lights and booming bass beats till the sun came up. You want sultry decadence? I’ve got photos. And I made billions of dollars off an investment in my favorite financial instrument: Homo Americanus!

You see, America is so tired of me that it’s come up with a novel (no pun intended) solution — pretend I don’t exist. It’s great. Americans don’t mask anymore, don’t test anymore, don’t social distance anymore. Its elected officials are either too timid to drop the public health hammer (hey, Democrats), or they’ve snorted a meth-enhanced eight ball before hopping the crazy train to Nut Town (attention southern Republican governors: crazy train departing in five minutes from Platform B).

What a glorious weekend. I was at every concert, picnic, parade, campground and college football game. You know I was at that Clemson-Georgia game — like everywhere. I was in the SUV on the way to the game (let’s go, Tigers), at the tailgate festivities, in the stadium, at the keg party afterward where fans drank to celebrate or to commiserate, and I was there for the ride home or the crooked walk back to the dorms. You can’t do better than that.

What I love about Americans is their sheer selfishness (and I’m taking notes). They completely ignore the fact that their hospitals are full, that their emergency departments have resorted to keeping people waiting in ambulances outside for hours, that hospitalizations and death rates are surging (thank you), and they’ve forgotten all about the healthcare “heroes” they celebrated just the year before. I love the fact that South Carolina and Florida have the highest case counts in the world (What can I say? They love me there). I must also send a shout-out to all those great folks on YouTube and Facebook who are touting Ivermectin (a horse de-wormer, hee-hee) and hydroxychloroquine (so last year) with abandon. And a big thank you, thank you (from the bottom of my heart), to conservative talk radio and TV. Kudos to Tucker and Laura for making vaccination a political litmus test.

I think I’m going to have a great autumn. Kids are in school, it’s getting colder (hey, brother flu, fist bump, what’s up?), and Americans are just too excited for a forced normal to worry with me.

So, cavort, eat and drink, gather all around and let the good times roll. See you soon. Your buddy, COVID-19.

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