Successful parenting and resolutions have similarities
KARE Correspondent
It’s that time of year again when we all resolve to improve in some way. The problem is we don’t keep many of the resolutions we make. We often say the same thing about family rules. If you are successful at keeping family rules, you can apply the same principles to your new year’s resolutions. If you have trouble with both, take heart because you can use the same principles to succeed at both.
Whatever parenting technique you want to use or whatever resolution you make will only work if you are both willing and able to follow through. Whether it is the “when/then” technique, time out, giving choices, using choices and consequences or setting up rules, these will only be as effective as your willingness to consistently follow through. The same is true of the resolutions to improve that we make. We only improve to the extent we are willing to follow through. Therefore, we need to keep a few things in mind when we make rules or resolutions.
The first thing is to not have too many rules or resolutions. Our time and energy is limited, so we won’t be able to follow through on a long list of things. We have rules to keep children safe, to protect property, and to make living together easier. When we have too many rules, we are all in trouble because we don’t remember them all either to follow or to enforce them.
When we don’t consistently follow through, kids will test us every time because they want to know if they can trust that is the way it is. When we make too many resolutions, we again have trouble remembering them all, or it seems too overwhelming to do them all so we end up doing none.
The second thing then is try not to change everything at once. Most of us probably have many areas of our lives that we would like to improve. However, changing behavior takes conscious effort and hard work. Most of us do not have enough energy to work on too many things at once. We need to prioritize and decide what one or two things are the most important. When we get those changes under control, we can move on to the next one. The same is true of our kids’ behavior, too. Remember, we are going to have to be consistent with our follow-through until the kids are convinced that is the way it is going to be. Again, this will take a lot of energy on our part. Therefore, pick the one or two things that are most important now and work on those. The next ones will get easier the more convinced the kids are that we are going to follow through.
As you should have guessed, the third thing is “consistent follow through.” If there is a magic wand for parenting, that phrase is it. There are several parts to “consistent follow through.” It means that you enforce the rule the same each and every time. Here is the hard part: it also means that all the caregivers enforce the rules the same way. Therefore, it is important that all the caregivers in the home agree on the rules and enforcement of them before you present them to the kids. Remember there is no one “right” tool for all kids. The one that will work is the one that all caregivers are willing to enforce the same way. “Consistent follow through” also means that your words, body language and tone all match as well for kids to get a clear message. Kids will believe body language and tone before they will believe words.
“Consistent follow through” will help us successfully keep our resolutions as well. Since change can be hard work, it would be helpful to enlist the support of family members as well. If your resolution is to quit smoking, for example, it would help if other family members did not leave cigarettes lying around to tempt you. If your goal is to reorganize the house, try to enlist everyone’s help. Explain why you want to do it and how everyone will benefit, so everyone should feel good about helping to get it done.
Lastly, you need to remind yourself that no one is perfect, so we are not likely to achieve 100% of our new goal. We also need to remember that it takes time for a new pattern to take hold. We will not achieve instant success. We will be more able to stick with our new plan if we have ways to measure progress in the right direction. It might be helpful to take a few days to record how much of the behavior we want to change is actually occurring now. If we establish a base line before we start, we have some way of noticing if we are making progress in the right direction.
With kids’ behaviors, the old behavior may actually get worse before it gets better. Kids think, “This tantrum has worked before, I just need to try harder now.” Your job is to not give up too soon; stick with consistent follow through until kids are convinced you have actually changed your response. That is when you will see the change you want in your children.
I hope you have a happy and successful new year. Be encouraged to keep working on both those parenting skills and resolutions as long as you are making progress in the right direction. After all, life is a journey – not a destination.
